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Review: Preston’s Middle Eastern takeaway that failed to deliver

Posted on - 7th January, 2023 - 7:00pm | Author - | Posted in - Food & Drink, Friargate, Opinion, Preston City Centre, Preston News, Takeaways
Hedgehog mug and packet of noodles on kitchen side
A cute hedgehog cup waiting to be defiled is a very bad idea

This week’s review in the series of best and worst reviewed eateries has taken a slight detour into murky Uber Eats territory as I’ve had the flu.

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The Christmas gift of Pestilence wasn’t quite up to the Gold, Frankincense and Myrrh that the three wise men brought for Jesus. Then again, their wisdom was more likely in the political and spiritual sphere than in child development, as baby Jesus would probably have been happier with an empty crisp packet, a set of keys and a defeated cat.

Anyway, as I wasn’t well enough to go out, I thought I’d give Middle Eastern takeaway Bianco a try. The Friargate takeaway has a shocking rating of just 2.7 out of 5, and many unhappy customers made complaints such as ‘the food never arrived’ and ‘I’ve never in my life tasted something worse’.

I’d ordered only once before from Bianco, and wasn’t impressed. The chips were cold and wooden, and I don’t even want to think what they’d measured the supposedly twelve inch fatayer against, but someone was wildly exaggerating.   

This time I wanted to try some dishes I wasn’t familiar with so, to quote from the menu, I chose:

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  • Koshari liver (Mo Salah favourite)
  • Pomegranate sauce
  • Almond and coconut cake
  • Tahini sauce
  • Chicken steak wrap
  • 12″ fatayer

Review: It’s fatayer fer tea at this packed Preston City Centre eatery

According to the menu there was a choice to have the chicken steak on either Arabic bread or an eight foot brioche, so I went for the second option as I figured I could have six inches that night and freeze the other seven and a half feet for later.

Uber Eats said that my food would be delivered to my address within the hour. Two hours and 12 unanswered phone calls to Bianco later, I found myself having a bizarre conversation with one of the staff members who told me to collect my order from the premises. When I said I couldn’t, he told me to cancel it. I said I’d tried and the app wouldn’t let me because my meal was marked as on its way. He said I had to ring the takeaway again and press option 4 to cancel it. I said I’d already tried pressing that option the previous eight times I’d called, and it kept going to voicemail. He said that the manager must be asleep, and I should try him again in half an hour. I said I’m not his mum, just tell him to give me my money back. He said he can’t and hung up. 

Tape measure on kitchen top
The 12 inch Sweet Fanny Adams that I didn’t order

My next activity was an exchange with the unquenchable dumpster fire that is Uber Eats customer service bot, which, on receipt of my lengthy description of how my order didn’t arrive and how I’d rung the restaurant nine times and got nowhere, advised me that I should ring the restaurant. 

Things got a bit blurry after that, but ended with customer service responding: “I know I can’t give you back the time wasted, however for the inconvenience caused to you, I have cancelled your order without charge”.

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Uber Eats, magnanimously refunding the money that a customer paid for food they didn’t receive, as they are required to do by law, whilst pretending that they’re doing them a favour in the style of a gaslighting ex.

Review: The historic Preston City Centre cafe that fails to live up to its potential

As it was too late to order from another takeaway, I ended up trawling through my cupboard for the makings of a meal, so I may as well review that instead. 

The menu at Chez Gormley was sparse to the point of apathy, offering just five items: celery, seven slices of Ryvita, some lime pickle, frozen beansprouts and a packet of Naked Asian Style Ramen Noodle Chicken Soup. 

I opted for the soup which was bland and watery. The chef had clearly tried to bulk it up by adding beansprouts, but all that served to do was add a vague taste of muddiness to the dish. It came in a mug with a hedgehog on the side, which only accentuated how unlovable the contents were; plonked on the table by a woman with a face like a wet weekend who was still wearing her dressing gown and whose hair looked like she’d spent the entire night inventing something rubbish. As the soup was such a disappointing flop, a small, slightly shrivelled tangerine was rustled up for dessert. It was alright, for a fruit.

Tangerine on a kitchen top
Old.

There were also two chihuahuas constantly underfoot, who seemed to believe that any open cupboard immediately needed their fat heads in it. 

Due to the surly chef/server, the unimaginative, incohesive menu and lacklustre packet soup that was almost as bad as the offering from Avenham Park’s Pavilion cafe, Chez Gormley is definitely not an eatery I would recommend. Neither is Bianco. UberEats can do one as well.

Read more: Review: The Preston park cafe that’s a thorn amongst roses

Read more: See the latest Preston news and headlines

Have you had a horrible meal at Chez Gormley? Moan about it in the comments.

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